The Ruined Garage Sale

This is our new puppy, Barney. He is 8 months old and a chewing machine.

This is what he is supposed to eat, dog food.

These are some of the things he likes to eat:

This is our couch. Our lovely, awesome, in perfect condition couch.

Okay, well it really isn't THAT great. It's about 8 years old and sags in the middle and we have talked about getting a new one for awhile. I was going to have a huge garage sale, where people came from miles away, to purchase the things I no longer wanted. And my big ticket item that was going to lure all those bargain hunters off the streets....the couch.

One day, Barney got tired of eating dog food, ducks, ropes and tennis balls. One day, I came home to a couch with holes in the pillows.

It's okay! It's okay! Don't freak out, I can fix this. The garage sale is still going to happen. All those people are still going to be magically beamed up to the house by the sight of the couch! I pulled out the trusty sewing machine, and patched the pillows back together.

A few weeks went by and I was busy gathering up things from around the house to add to the garage sale pile. A few little knick-knacks to spread around the couch so it that it technically is a "sale" and not just me sitting in the driveway selling a couch.

I walked into the living room, and there was the couch, under a cloud of batting and stuffing and..."OH MY GOD! MY GARAGE SALE!"

In strolls Barney with this look on his face like, "Oh man, I just ate the best bug I found under the....whoa. What happened in HERE!?" Even though he had fabric all over his face, he was trying to convince me that this disaster had nothing to do with him.

There was a hole in the arm that was big enough to hide a small child. The seat cushion had a hole in it the size of a Thanksgiving turkey platter...and fabric was MISSING. I couldn't sew that back together if I was Martha Washington herself. The couch was unsellable. I would be lucky to get $10 from a desperate bachelor who just needs a place to sit and play XBox.

And that is how Barney the puppy ruined my garage sale.

Slip 'n' Slide

Today it was like 800 degrees in Indianapolis, and on my way home I passed some kids a few houses down playing on a Slip 'n' Slide.

First I thought, wow that looks fun. Then I thought, wow they still make those? And either I have gotten a lot bigger, or the Slip 'n' Slide industry has had to reduce costs and they aren't as long as they used to be.

This is how long I remember them being:

And after today, I realize this is their actual length:

As a kid, it seemed like that Slip 'n' Slide went across my entire back yard, to the other side of the world! Didn't, like, me and 4 friends all slide down at the same time? The one I saw today barely held one kids whole body. His arms were hanging off the edge before the rest of his body slid onto the slide.

Wouldn't it be cool, though, if the world had a huge Slip 'n' Slide around it. Sort of like Saturn, but instead of ice chunks it would be a gigantic yellow Slide!

Think about your awful commute, and how much more fun it would be to ride to work on a Slip 'n' Slide!? "Hey Jim, just confirming our meeting. The Slide looks pretty clear this morning, I should be in by 9:00." I wonder what the traffic reports would sound like?

Errand to run? It's more fun on a Slip 'n' Slide!

Kids will beg to go to school because they get to ride on the slide!

Make the world a better place, buy a Slip 'n' Slide today!

She's a maniac

Hi my name is Annette, and I am addicted to brownies.

It doesn't matter if I have just stuffed myself on an all day Thanksgiving feast. At any time, on any day I am pretty sure I can eat a whole pan of brownies by myself. They are the perfect food. And this weekend, I had a craving so I made some. Bad idea.

Then, after that first bite all hell breaks loose. Well, that first brownie was good, I think I will have another. And another. Then it's like I can't stop myself. I am a brownie eating maniac. I am a mindless zombie that can think of nothing but brownies, until they are all gone.

If I go to the living room, all I can think about is those little gooey brownies sitting in the kitchen. Oh, what's one more? I mean, there is like 2/3 of a pan left.....I am a beast.

Come here little brownie, where are you going? Don't run...no one is going to hurt you.

 

The Trifecta

I went to lunch, and the choices for my sides were: cottage cheese, chips, and coleslaw. What? WHAT?! I hate all 3 of those things. How about something good that starts with a "C", like oh I don't know....chocolate!? So I got fries for $1.99 more. I considered it a donation to the the Foods That don't Suck Campaign (FTDS).

Then I started thinking about other thing I hate in groups of three....

Bruce Springsteen, Sheryl Crow, John Mellencamp.

Jim Carrey, Chris Rock, Dane Cook.

Long division, percentages, practically anything where you manipulate numbers.

And my all time favorite...diet foods. Whenever you are on a diet, three things they ALWAYS tell you are good to eat are brocolli, cottage cheese and bananas. Again, I HATE all three of those! It's like the trifecta of doom!



Gall Bladder

The other day I talked to a friend of mine, who just found out they have to have their gall bladder taken out. You live your life assuming that all that junk inside of you is working just as it should be. But little did you know....deep in the darkness and goo...it is mutating into something horrible. Something rabid. Something...that has to be removed.